I’ve only felt completely broken a few times in my life. Times where you just want to breathe deep and just exhale, and just keep exhaling until there is peace and no more breath and die. I really thought about how peaceful it may be. Sad in a lot of ways, I know.
The worst was when I was 24, newly married, to who I thought was my soulmate. And maybe he was for a brief moment (more on that in another blog). But I found out he was not so faithful to our marriage. I was young, I ignored all the red flags. I thought I was old, that my time was expiring to find someone who loved me and to start a family. I laugh now, at how silly that thought was.
We separated after 4 months of marriage, and divorced almost 1 year to our anniversary. So much growing and healing happened years after. That thought of marriage and kids had me paralyzed for a long time of desperation and trying to find that person to complete me. It took me one more long relationship to help me finally decide, “I need to love myself first”, and the first act of loving myself first, was to leave that toxic relationship. Another hard decision, but I knew, if it happened, if I just let myself grow, things would start to happen.
Y’all, the second that decision was made, I lost my job. I was 29 by then. I didn’t leave that relationship, I didn’t know how strong I was. I decided to. start my own design company, I got braces on my teeth, I travelled by myself (with permission from the toxic relationship), I knew I would have to physically move to be able to move on from this toxic relationship and to grow myself. By that time, my house went into foreclosure, I packed my dog and belongings into my small SUV and set out to my moms in North Dakota. I was 30 and moving back home. Ugh.
A month before I moved, Lynn and I had got together and we wrote down a list of our dreams and our dream guy. We talked about it, I prayed about it and tucked it away. Let me tell ya, everything opened up as soon as I got to North Dakota. The dream travel/design job, the money, the love for myself grew, I felt strong. Strong, loved, confident in my life and ready to take on the world as a single lady. I found my voice, I connected with nature and started hiking everyday, I picked up my camera and did photography. I figured out what I actually liked and how I wanted to live my life. I realized it takes strength and love every single day.
And then one day, this guy popped up on my screen and my heart jumped, and my soul said, “there he is”. It took my heart and my mind to finally connect, but I’m so glad they talked it out. He is wonderful. We aren’t perfect, but the work we put into it is what matters most. We have 2 beautiful children (btw, I was 36 and 38 when I was pregnant. Never too old), I get to stay home and be with them and work too. It’s not easy, but my soul is at ease. I breathe, and I know that I am worthy and deserving of all good in my life. It’s the hard steps we have to take in order for good things to come. And you know what? This is a hard part for a lot of people, I didn't lose myself in my husband. I still do me, he does what he does and we meet in the middle and live a happy life.
I challenge you to love yourself, draw the line in the sand and say, this is enough. I stand up for me.